22 Cats

  I gotta tell ya, there’s this particular need I only see in girls

I don’t mean dressin’ up, rings n’ such, or fixin’ hair in curls

This is completely different, this is somethin’ other

This is ‘bout the natural need of actin’ like a mother.

Now, I understand that this is how it’s s’posed t’ be

Otherwise kiss good-bye to there bein’ a you or me.

But what I’m tryin’ t’ tell ya, is that every now an’ then

This instinct explodes outta control—especially when…

 There’s kittens.

 Ya see, some years back, one unlucky August day

We came back from a trip to be greeted by a stray.

I suggested that we shoot it, but oooh, that wasn’t good

I damned near got beheaded right there where I stood

Fine! Let it live, I’ll drive it to the pound

Not a snowball’s chance in hell with three girls standin’ ‘round.

Fine! I’ll drive it to a dumpster, where there’s lots of food to eat

Bam! The cat’s inside my house an’ I’m out on the street.

Hours later from the porch, I heard them call my name.

I felt like Bud or Blackie—or a cat. Man, this was insane.

“You can live here if you promise the kitty stays alive.”

“Sure, I grumbled, but get if fixed or you’ll be feedin’ five.”

Nope.  Never happened.  My prophecy came true.

Course, then they come askin’ me, “Now what do we do?”

“That’s why God invented toilets”, was my very first reply

Oooo, that wasn’t good.  Back on the street was I.

Hours later, from the porch, I hear them yell my name

I shake my head, an’ I’m thinkin’ here we go again.

If ya’ promise, cross your heart, to leave the cats alone

We decided you can come back into our home.

“Sure, I grumbled, just remember them things breed like rats

Get em’ fixed or you’ll be feedin’ another twenty cats.

Nope.  Never happened.  My prophecy came true.

Not so much as a word when the count hit twenty-two.

Such sweet silence as I watched them stare in awe—and wonder…

If twenty-two cats had kittens, what would be that number?

From my perch upon the porch, I made it very clear.

Ain’t no way them cats are living anywhere ‘roun’ here.

A hundred bucks a month in food, an’ that’s prob’ly light

Is what I figure you will spend to quell their appetite.

An’ they don’t pay us for their meals like some kitty restaurant

So, this time ‘round, I’m tellin’ you we’re doing it how I want.

You’ll be stuck here every night textin’ on your phone

Finding friends and families who’ll take a kitty home

And all the ones left over that didn’t make the picks

You’ll take them to the vet an’ see that they get fixed.

Promise me you’ll do this an’ I’ll let ya in the house.

Not a mumble, not a grumble, they were quiet as a mouse

But, they lived up to their promise an’ that was quite a task

They found em’ homes and got em’ fixed, and all that I did ask

Things are back to normal now, but a warning to my brothers

Be very careful ’round them gals an’ their need to act like mothers

 Especially…when there’s kittens.

 C. John Coombes

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